Glasses. Part one of a journey.

I am 39 and a half years old. Some people say thats not that old, but I feel reasonably old. I know I am not ready for a rest home yet, but many opportunities are no longer available to me.

I can no longer join the Army or the Police force. My prime years for having a career have passed. I am really a bit long in the tooth to have any kids now. I could, but it will be harder.

All of that makes me sad actually. I don't know why though, because I do not want to join the Army and I am to lazy to fitten up and be a Cop. I wouldn't mind a baby, but then I may be a bad mother. As for the career, I am not a finisher. I never finished my degree. I have five papers left to go. But I am over it. I know I won't finish it because it won't help me. I don't have a regular job even. I am a Trade me seller and even that is pretty crap at the moment.

I haven't got a lot of money. I don't own a home and I have no money for my old age. Some days I feel like I don't really do a lot of any value in society. When I die, I won't have changed History and I will leave nothing behind. I want to be buried at sea and sleep with the fishes! I figure that at the very most my friends will remember me for about three years after I am gone. But they will be past the point of tears after a couple of weeks.

None of this is because I am nasty or unhelpful. It is all because I am having an eye test today. I can't see close up any more. Being the morbid creature I am sometimes it has made me stop and think about things. My life is about half over and I haven't really done much with it. And now on top of that I need glasses.

I have had some very valuable experiences in my life though. But they are only valuable to me. I have had some awful jobs that have lead me to meet strange and violent people. I have been kicked and smacked and whacked and more. My reward? GLASSES! I don't want glasses. Glasses = fail. A lot of my friends have glasses and they suit them too. My husband has the most pairs of glasses in NZ actually and they make him look sexy and knowledgeable. My friend who is a student has glasses, she looks confident modern and chic. My friend who is a scientist has glasses. She looks Brainy, edgy and classy!

None of this helps me though. Glasses are going to make me old and older. Sorry for the downer but this is me. It is how I feel right now at this very moment. Maybe after the test I will feel better and drop the mid-life loser attitude!