Soda Pop, Fizzy, Soft Drink.

I just love this stuff. People don't understand how much I love it. They look at me like I am a full on Mofo!

As a kid I would be given the occasional glass of Leed. It was delicious. Sweet, cold and fizzy and it made me happy.

My dad got a big glass bottle out one day when I was about six and was still learning to read properly. I asked for a glass and he said no. It had the words "serve chilled" on the side. My eyes widened as I read it! I rushed over to Dad and said: "Look Dad!" "It says serve child!!!!!!!" He was so impressed he gave me a glass!

Once I hit the age of 11 and was in the full grip of obesity I wanted fizzy even more. It lightened my heart when I drank it. Mum bought us cans of TAB Cola, Fresca Lemon and I can't remember the name of the diet lemonade. Even though it was diet it was delicious! I drank up large.

When I was 15 I had a part time job and earned about $27 a week. I spent a lot on coke. I loved coke more than any food. I had a weight loss surgery at age 14 and it rendered me unable to eat more than an egg cup full of normal food. I made up my lost calories in coke, cereal, ice cream sweets and chocolate. All delicious! Needless to say I did not shift a heck of a lot of fat in that time!

At age 22 I was still the size of a bus so had another surgery. I drank oceans of sparkling duet and deep spring for a couple of years. I also lost all of my weight to. The operation I had allowed me to eat any amount of crap i wanted and still stay thin. I was overjoyed! I drank around seven cans of coke a day. I drank some lemon flavoured fizzies as well as that.

I was worried that my teeth would rot out of my head. Not enough to stop me though, I just used a straw so it didn't get all ofer my front teeth!

I must have drunk my way through an ocean of this sweet sticky delight in the next 14 years. Going through short periods of "givin up" that never lasted. I got married and found my husband loved coke too. We drunk it daily and on days off in summer hourly. I don't think I have ever been sick of it.

You have to understand it from my point of view I suppose. Here is how it goes: I open a chilled can of coke, it makes a gassy click and a chuff as it opens. It feels cold in my hand. I lift it up to my face and pace it under my nose as I open my mouth, I catch a faint whiff of the caramel sweetness. I have a sizeable gulp. I feel bubbles coursing down my through and the back of my tongue drops in tempreture. As I move the can away from my mouth I feel the bubbles popping on my tongue and gums. I can taste the cola flavour and the sweetness of it too. The caffiene is a bonus, I feel like I can go on with my life for another day. I am no longer thirsty. The first mouthful of every new can is the best. Don't get me wrong I enjoy yhe entire can and NEVER waist a drop but that first mouthful is pure heaven.

When I was 36 years old my second weight loss surgery failed. For once this was not my fault. It "broke" I won't bore you with the details but I did have to have it fixed. I elected to have it taken down and a new Gastric Bypass put in place. It was that or get huge again and be dead within two years maximum.

As you can imagine I was upset. I knew my life was going to change in many ways. I was told that sugery food and drink would make me feel ill. I didn't believe it actually and thought I would be different to every one else who had it and I would be immune. I wasn't. After three months I longed for my fizzy. I grieved for it in fact. I didn't mind so much not being able to eat chocolate and sweets and desserts. I did mind, but it was the coke I missed. I tried to drink some. I felt violently ill. I kept trying and kept feeling ill.

Other than the wee dallience when I was 11 I have always hated diet drinks. Thought they taste like shit actually and diet coke in particular made me physically gag.

I tried a can of diet coke and it still tasted so foul! I actually cried that day. A few days later my sister told me I should try coke zero. I did, and it was not too bad. I decided that if i kept drinking it maybe I would get used to it. I drank it and diet sprite. After around nine days I found I liked coke zero! I was and still am overjoyed!

Now each day some time after 12 I crack into a new can of coke zero and can re-live the great moments of my soda drinking past without worrying about weight gain! I can feel lightened and happy as I think about the possible effects of drinking too much artificial sweetner, such as brain tumours and cancer! But I figure what the hell, I have to die some time. Gastric bypass has forced me to do everything else right, I can't get pissed and I don't smoke so at least if this kills me I will waft away from earth on a carpet of cool, sweet fizzy bubbles!!!

The Civic Car Park.

As you may have read below, last night I got dressed up and hit the Town! Well the Town Hall actually, followed by a trip to Greenlane Mac-Donaldo.

On the way in there are a shit load of signs, $8 for this, $6 for that, Three hours 19 bucks! Pre-pay and save, lose exit card pay with your first born, early bird special, late entry special, comedy show special, your so fucking special! I think all these signs serve to confuse rather than advertise and last night my point was proved!

Mr. Allison in Pyjamas said he thought the electronic voice gave good advice as our ticket was spat out of a metal post. It said: "Prepay $8 and save Queing after the show!" Excellent!
We approched the booth where a weather beaten attendant sat waiting for us. Mr. AIP rocked up and said: "I'll have the Early Bird special please!" Mr. Attendant was not happy at all!

He said: "You want the $8 prepay and save you know, Early bird special is in the morning!" Remember, he is behind a 200 inch thick glass window with a speaker in it that was switched off. Mr. AIP heard the $8 part but not much else so he said: "Yes, thats right, the $8 Early bird special! " Well, Mr. attendant looked like some one had fdropped a turd in his coffee!

He said in a very irritated tone: "Early Bird special is in the MORNING!!!!!" "You want $8 pre pay and SAVE!!!!!!!!" Mr. AIP could see he had committed the parking faux pas of the 00's! So he said "OOOOOOOAA, I am sorry, yes the $8 parking special!" Mr. PA still not happy, he muttered away "It's called $8 pre-pay and save, mumble mutter harummph!" You probably had to be there to get the full joke and I was there so I get it!

The things you miss when you stay home and internet all day!

A Trip Out of the Home!

Last night I went out! I took off my pyjamas and I got dressed in my top quality Mereno dress, (I can't spell Marino or is it Merino?) any way i digress, my bootssssss and my little red Fiat and I headed to the big city! A scary thought for the Queen of pyjamas!

I went to see Chopper Reid (Fuckin' Hello!) It was fantastic! He was so funny at times I nearly cried! He is most certainly an aquired taste but my taste has aquired him! Thrill of the the night was to meet Heath Franklin, shake his hand and have my photo taken with him!

Even though I am a course bitch it was funny, I could not bring my self to follow the other mother-truckers and "flip the bird" for my picture! I just let my hands dangle loosely at my side and Chopper gave the thumbs up instead! I still get to hear the word "FUCK" used many times to great comic advantage yet I can come away with my picture and not be one of the hoards of people flippin' the bird!

It was nice to get dressed up, park in the Civic, wear too much make up and drink an overpriced glass of diet beveredge! It makes for a bright spot on a dull day!

Trade Me Pick Up

Tonight I had the Trade Me buy now pick up from hell. If someone told me about it I would laugh and not believe them! Person = bitch. She would not help me carry a giant heater to my car because her shoes were upstairs! I knocked on the door and it flew open! She yelled her own name at the top of her voice! Scary! I backed away! Then said: "I have come to pick up the heater if that's OK?" She said: "Have you brought any one who can help you carry it?" I looked around, I checked my pockets and peered up the driveway, nope I had definitely come alone. I said: "Perhaps you could give me a hand with it?" "But my shoes are upstairs!" "It does roll you know!" I looked down at the 10 steps that lead to her front door and thought "You roll it bitch!" I just stood there like a pet rock. In the end her flat mate helped begrudgingly. She dumped it next to the car and stalked inside, no goodbye from either of them! I somehow managed to hoist the thing into the back of my tiny Fiat. It did not fit properly. I rang Jim and got a phone lesson on tilting seat forward. It FIT! I backed out of bitches driveway, relieved. I was parked on the vehicle crossing waiting for my moment to nip out onto the main road. A man was walking along,
He was texting. He was walking. He was not looking. Texting, walking, whistling, walking, *SMACK!* The goon walked into my car!!!! I gave him the "You cock-knocker" stare! He looked rather embarrassed and just stood there for a second. He straightened up and walked around the car. As I backed out, the wheel fell off my giant heater. Great. I rounded the corner into my street. A bunch of young Polynesian gentle men were standing in the middle of the road to welcome me to my street. I nearly ran one of them over with the red terror! I also gave them a death stare! Who knew so much could happen in 15 minutes! At least the heater was a bargain!

A Trip to Newmarket.

I have a friend. We have always been friends. Well friends since we were five years old. Sometimes we didn't talk or see each other for years, but she was still my friend. Circumstances meant we didn't always live in the same town or even the same country. But I always thought of her as my friend even when we were not doing friend shit. I have not had another friend like this and probably never will.

We are both a bit strange I think. We ask strange questions. I asked her the other day if she found a mouse in her toaster would she shriek and run away? Or would she push the handle down and toast it? I new what she was going to say before she said it. My answer was the opposite to hers but that some how made it better.

We have totally opposite tastes in many things. We don't look at all alike. She is long and straight, I am medium and round. She looks fabulous in clothes and I look like a dumpy housewife. Except when I am wearing my boots of course. My lovely boots! She likes mats made of creatures and I like them made of acrylic. I like a shiny red vinyl bag with matching shoes, she likes a soft pale chocolate suede one with contrasting accents on her shoes!

Despite this we get on. We get each others jokes and swear like sailors. We both like to eat cakes and chocolate and dine in cafes. We are as different in appearance and personality as you could imagine, yet we are the same. She doesn't mind being seen with me in my Warehouse top with safetypins on it and I like to brag about her $850 shoes! The one thing we both love is shopping.

We can out-shop the best of them on any given day. I am on the prowl for bargains and sales and things to sell on Trade Me. She likes all the good shit that costs the big bucks! This makes us a great team in that we can cover all the bases and between us will never miss a shoppertunity.

We went shopping last week in fact. We went to Newmarket. Niether of us had been for a matter of years. We looked at many items for sale and had a nice lunch at Zarbo. We were there for one item and one item only! BOOTS! Not for me, I have three pairs and am saving my pennies. But for her. We walked the length of Newmaket and looked in every shoe shop. Money was no object! Getting a pair to fit was! My friend has large calves so has difficulty in getting a full length leather boot. There are some with elastic in the side or the back but these are not to her liking. Fair enough too. Boots are important so you must not settle for less than perfect!

It is interesting the difference in sales techniques we encountered on our trip. We met a lady with a scarf on who was very apologetic that she could not help us. She apologised for the wait while she went out the back and she thanked us for our patience. I was taken with her because if it were me I would have slapped us. We go into her shop and try on all these boots and then leave a huge mess and buy nothing.

My friend went into another store that had shelves of boots near the side of the shop. She said to the assistant: "Do you sell boots?" She looked my friend down then up then down again and spat at her: "No, we DON'T ssssssell BOOTSSSSSSSS!" Horrifying really, no wonder Keith Matheson is about to go out of business with an attitude like that!

We left the bustle of 277 and went to cross the road. A car load of youngsters were parked on the crossing. My friend still wiping the spittle off her face from the Keith Matheson woman said: "Yeah just park there!" "It's noy like its a fucken crossing or anything!" I don't think they heard her but it was pretty funny!

We moved on to Briarwood who pride themselves on quality NZ made goods and tried on some Chinese made boots that did not fit. I wondered what part of NZ they came from. My friend had no luck despite us yanking so hard on a zipper I cut my thumb and started sweating! She did get a lovely pair of pink jandals though! SCORE!

We wove in and out of the stores being presented with boot after boot, nothing that worked. To make up for it a lovely cow-skin bag was purchased. It was a snip at $199. We decided it had nits. We asked the assitant what the white dots all over it were. She looked at us like we were a runny turd left by my dog. She avoided the question. We decided that they were skin chips and my friend handed over her eftpos card.

The highlight for me was going to Mia Piacci. My friend found a pair of boots that had possibility. She struggled into them. The first one nearly did up! The second one I yanked the zip so hard it went all the way up! The assitant smiled but her heart was not in it. She was worried for the safety of her boots. My friend stomped about in them for a bit and decided that they were so tight she could not decide if they were the ones!

She removed the first one with ease. The second one was stuck fast. The zip was stuck. It did not want to unzip! I had my hand in the boot, the knee high stocking was caught. I pulled so hard I thought I would faint! I broke out in a sweat! The assitants once smiling mouth was all of a sudden in the shape of a puckered arsehole! What could we do!? We were both grunting and sweating like pigs on a hot day! Finally one of us unhooked the offending nylon and inched the zip down! I pulled hard on the boot and it flew off! Relief!

Needless to say we are still friends this week and will be next week all going well!

I am sitting here at my computer again. I am wearing pyjama pants again. I have proper clothing on the rest of me. I am telling myself that by staying in my pyjamas I am saving money. I won't wear my street clothes out. I can keep them nice for when I have to leave my house.

Clothes are funny. The define us I think. When I go out wearing what I wear people look at me and make a judgement. If I am well dressed and made up with my hair done people will treat me with respect. They will smile at me and engage me. They will think I am well organised and efficient. They won't see the few extra kilos I carry. When I say: "But I am size 16!" they will say: "NO WAY!!!" They will ask me where I got my boots because they want some just the same. They want them so that people will ask them where they got their boots from. They think I have confidence, money and intelligence.

The truth is, when I am at home wearing my pyjamas, my oversized snuggly purple cardi, my black socks with a hole in the toe, have no make up on, no boots and my hair sticks up, I am still the same person. Yet if I went out wearing that people would think something else.

They would see my extra weight, "Size 16? more like a 24!" my chin rash and my scruffy exterior and think I was dumb, poor and a little nuts!

Being fat is the same as wearing pyjamas. Except you can't just get changed when you feel like it. You are fat all the time. All day. All night. At work, on the beach, in the supermarket and at a job interview. Fat people are thought of as stupid, lazy and un-motivated. Be honest here they are aren't they? Thats what you think isn't it? Even if you would NEVER say this.

Next time you see a chub-meister out in public don't treat them like they have their pyjamas on. Because they are the same as you, just bigger. Think about what it would be like if you were wearing your pyjamas instead. Would that make you nuts? Or would you still be the same?

I guess the difference here is I never liked being fat but I do like my pyjamas.